It’s payday! The check’s arrived in the mail and the good life awaits. We’re talking shopping sprees at Target, pretzel bun burgers at Wendy’s… maybe even dinner at Olive Garden! However, before I can drop cash like MC Hammer at a balloon pants store, a trip to the bank is in order. My 1-year-old is already fed and dressed, so it’s just a matter of putting on his shoes and traversing the 30 feet from the door to the car. What could possibly go wrong?
Here are 21 reasons we’re not making it out today.
1. My son’s sneakers are missing. Unfortunately, they’re the only ones that fit him, since he’s gone up three sizes in the last month. After a 20-minute search, I finally find them in the entertainment center, sandwiched between VHS copies of The Goonies and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.
2. My son has climbed into the (empty) bathtub and is blissfully chewing on toys from last night’s bath — which, since Mommy didn’t make it into the shower this morning, are still all over the tub. After an epic battle to separate him from a plastic Elmo boat, we’re out of the bathroom.
3. Toddler refuses to leave house without his sippy cup, which is nowhere to be found. After a 10-minute search, I locate it under the kitchen table, next to a rubber ball and a potato chip.
4. Toddler has set his chair atop the coffee table, and is seated on it like a king upon his throne. I set about carefully removing him while he loudly laments the injustice of his sudden dethronement.
Finally outside . . .
5. Toddler realizes the garden needs watering… immediately. Grabbing the watering can, he bolts back inside to get water for this urgent task. Losing interest midway to the sink, he drops the can on the floor, grabs a nearby pasta strainer and heads back out the door.
6. Toddler spies the neighbor’s tricycle, beckoning him to climb aboard and sit there with no movement and a confused expression.
7. Toddler runs off to follow a squirrel.
8. Toddler runs off to follow a bird.
9. Toddler runs off to follow the neighbor’s cat.
Inside car . . .
10. Finally, toddler is strapped into his car seat and we’re ready to go! But what’s that smell? Back inside for a diaper change.
Back in the house . . .
11. Half-naked toddler jumps up on changing table, furiously attempting to grab the diaper wipe Mommy is aiming at his butt. After a series of WWE-inspired wrestling moves, toddler finally has a clean diaper, which may or may not be on backwards.
12. Toddler must put his shoes back on by himself. After five minutes of unsuccessfully trying to force his left sneaker on his right foot, he gives up and attempts to put on Daddy’s shoes instead.
Finally, back outside . . .
13. Rival toddler passes by in stroller. Yielding to plaintive wails of “Baby! Baby!” I take my son over for a chat. After a heated debate over the situation in Gaza and mutual pledges to partake in the ALS ice bucket challenge, they part ways.
14. Toddler has left his sippy cup inside the house. We head back inside to retrieve cup, which has rolled under the couch and requires a yard stick, a wire hanger and all Mommy’s patience to retrieve it.
And outside again . . .
15. Toddler runs off to follow another squirrel.
16. Toddler runs off to follow another bird.
17. Toddler runs off to chase an airplane, shouting “Bird! Bird!” at the sky.
18. Raindrop unexpectedly hits toddler on the head. We immediately run inside to grab his raincoat, umbrella and “Rainy Day Songs for Toddlers” CD for the 10-minute car ride.
19. Toddler points to his pants, announcing “Bathroo!” Wanting to encourage his potty training, I peel off his raincoat and diaper and sit nearby while he spends 15 minutes not going on his potty.
Back outside . . .
20. Toddler decides garden needs pruning. Five-minute wrestling match over shovel ensues.
Finally, in car and about to leave . . .
21. Desperate pleas of “CUP!” emerge from perpetually thirsty toddler.Realizing cup is inside, Mommy grabs toddler, goes back inside and collapses on couch. The bank will still be there tomorrow, when Daddy can drive there. Olive Garden will just have to wait…
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